Most professionals have their ways of determining if the economy is going into recession, coming out of recession, dipping its toes in recession or just getting downright depressed. There are indicators for this.... beats me what they are, but THEY tell me there are indicators so I believe them.
I have my own economic indicators. A surefire set of criteria that will always lead you to the truth....
If there are a high level of “work from home,” “mystery shopper,” or pyramid schemes in the help wanted section of the paper or online, welcome to the recession.
Pyramid schemes stalk the unemployed. If the unemployment rate is high, then you can bet the scam ads will flood in. Buy our crap, sell it to your other derelict friends and have them do the same. If you can get a long enough chain of people will to fuck over gullible acquaintances, you’ll be a millionaire!
Come to think of it...that kind of sounds like NAFTA.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Airline Safety Edition
While sitting knee to nostril in coach, waiting for our plane to go in reverse and pick up our forgotten luggage, I---for the first time in a long time---decided to follow along with the flight attendant and read the safety card. I am not adverse to airline safety precautions, it’s just that I’ve been on enough planes to know the safety procedures. I don’t think that a United Airlines attendant is going to get on the intercom and say:
“Unlike other airlines, our evacuation procedures involve screaming like a baby and wetting yourself.” Although, this would probably be a more realistic evacuation procedure.
Back to the safety card. The next time you are on United Airlines, take a good look at this brochure. In one set of panels, a mother gently puts a life vest on her baby. My uneducated guess is that the child is one or under. The baby looks happy (or gassy) as the mother inflates the vest. The next panel left me disturbed and wanting for more. In the moonlight, on open water, the baby floats in his mothered life vest ALONE. The mom is gone, the plane is gone, no passengers to be found. Just a lone baby, bathed in moonlight, drifting with the current, happy as pie.
The second set of panels instructs passengers on how to inflate and release the slide/life raft. Now, I’ll assume this is a completely different water crash because the sun is out (which begs the question: How many freaking planes are crashing into the water UA?) In one panel, a man sits on a life raft while others swim to him. When closely inspected we see that the man has a SPLINT on his arm. It’s a make shift splint so he either had a shitty doctor or HE HAD TIME TO SPLINT HIS ARM DURING A PLANECRASH. Like a missing reel in a movie or a ghost chapter in a book, this mysterious splint is never explained.
I’m hooked by this safety card story. Now, I will continually watch the back of my airplane chair, waiting for Chapter Two.
“Unlike other airlines, our evacuation procedures involve screaming like a baby and wetting yourself.” Although, this would probably be a more realistic evacuation procedure.
Back to the safety card. The next time you are on United Airlines, take a good look at this brochure. In one set of panels, a mother gently puts a life vest on her baby. My uneducated guess is that the child is one or under. The baby looks happy (or gassy) as the mother inflates the vest. The next panel left me disturbed and wanting for more. In the moonlight, on open water, the baby floats in his mothered life vest ALONE. The mom is gone, the plane is gone, no passengers to be found. Just a lone baby, bathed in moonlight, drifting with the current, happy as pie.
The second set of panels instructs passengers on how to inflate and release the slide/life raft. Now, I’ll assume this is a completely different water crash because the sun is out (which begs the question: How many freaking planes are crashing into the water UA?) In one panel, a man sits on a life raft while others swim to him. When closely inspected we see that the man has a SPLINT on his arm. It’s a make shift splint so he either had a shitty doctor or HE HAD TIME TO SPLINT HIS ARM DURING A PLANECRASH. Like a missing reel in a movie or a ghost chapter in a book, this mysterious splint is never explained.
I’m hooked by this safety card story. Now, I will continually watch the back of my airplane chair, waiting for Chapter Two.
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